Happy Sunday!
So, I had my weekly weigh-in on Friday. It was so awesome that I totally forgot to post something about it!
I lost a staggering .2 lbs. Yes, that's POINT 2. As in - I probably just needed to pee. I didn't gain, so I'm not too stressed but well, there it is.
Tomorrow is a new day. This week, though, I have 3 Christmas events. As much as I'd like to say that I won't partake, we all know that's not true. I'll tell myself that I can have just one cookie or M&M or candy cane or whatever and the damn will break. Is it worth beating myself up over? Do I just need to find a happy medium and shut the fuck up already? Maybe. It's just finding that midpoint, I suppose...
My most wonderful husband whisked me away for a little getaway on Saturday morning. We ended up in Waco, Texas, to visit the Magnolia Market (you know... Chip and Jojo, Fixer Upper on HGTV, shiplap). I couldn't have been more excited. It was a chilly day but perfect for walking around and seeing Christmas at the Silos. Everything just felt like Christmas. It smelled good and omg - it tasted good, too. Such a fun surprise. I wasn't good at all. I didn't even try. Which leads me to the point I'm trying to make here...
While Matt didn't tell me where we were going, he did tell me that we'd be outside and that there would be walking involved. Knowing that it was chilly, I surveyed my coat inventory. With my obnoxious hot flashes, I figured that I'd wear a puffy vest with my hooded sweatshirt and bring some gloves and a hat in case it got too chilly. I can't even zip the vest up anymore. I'm too chubby and my boobs are way too big. I used to love my big old boobs, but well, since cancer, they're just annoying dangly bits. :(
I checked the other coats and jackets of mine and most don't zip or button - at least not comfortably - now. I actually had to wear a coat of Matt's to a business trip about a month ago, because I didn't own anything that fit. I know I should buy something but I DO live in southeastern Texas. It was 75 today, so clearly a winter coat isn't a TODAY kinda thing but still. It's embarrassing.
When I have the "fuck it, I don't care" moments, those times when my clothes don't fit or my pants fall down because my stomach is too big for them to stay up over (or even under) or I'm embarrassed for people to see me never seem to stop me. They need to! I said several days ago I I needed to not be so hard on myself, but then I feel guilty that I SHOULD have been harder on myself. I know that I'm way overthinking this.
As you read this next part, imagine - if you will, a recurring scene from "Sex and the City" where Carrie Bradshaw types on her old school Mac a most serious and poignant thought.
How can we possibly find a way to love the skin we're in while still finding a way to change that skin into something healthier and well, more attractive?
Until tomorrow. xoxo
Nancy, I truly get that. At 60, I alternate between "I'm old so what the hell, who gives a shit" and OH MY GOD! Where is my neck, how did my legs grow cankles and how can I possibly need size 18 jeans? And I don't even need to bring up belly fat, which I never really had until chemo.
ReplyDeleteIt's just crazy. The interesting thing is that being diagnosed in 2000 at 44- I zipped up to 200 lbs and have more or less stayed there, give or take the 20 lbs gained and lost, oh maybe 5 times.
So, technically, I don't look a whole lot different.. it's just that.. and here's the point..
If there is one reason to seriously at least be in a state of better all-around physical shape, this is it- the lack of muscle tone, the "core"- whatever the hell that really is- I hurt all over most of the time. Back, legs, neck, shoulders, even my fuckin fingers hurt!
So, the motivation I need is to believe that I can make a difference in pain levels and flexibility so that I can get up off a chair or bend over without looking and feeling like a senior citizen.
60 isn't all that old, right?
Sigh.
I guess putting it down makes it real.. I really need to commit, too.
Deb
YES!!! We all know that the aging process isn't particularly kind but when you throw in a fucked up immune system and wonky hormones from cancer and treatment - it makes it so much harder to manage. Then again - I don't really have anything to compare it to. :)
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. I have to get out of this 'poor me' mode and make it happen. Yes - writing about it makes it real and even though all I'm really doing right now is bitching about it, I'm still trying to hold myself accountable. Well, at least own up to it all.
xoxo